Sunday, December 21, 2014

Our year in painstaking review

Doesn’t that sound like fun at Christmas time? Just when you are busy as hell and gadding about to snow themed parties and cautiously debating whether to have a 5th or 6th drink or get that reindeer tattoo – you get this in your inbox and let out a gusty sigh. Who wants to read my entire year in review? Not even me.


Fabian’s year in the style of a Michael Bay Action sequence:

Fabian pounds into the Woolworths warehouse and runs for the layer picker he grabs an oversized wrench and hurls it at the vast robotic creature that has created itself from pallets and banana’s. “Grrrrrarrrggg” it howls, somehow. Fabian throws his Manager, Matt, to the ground saving his life and simultaneously using him as a jettison point. Something explodes. Something else explodes. Fab seizes some sort emblematic piece of machinery that you might find in a food warehouse and is immediately promoted to a Systems Specialist able to defeat large transformer-derivative creatures via the use of logic and a combination of DOS based technology. Women throw themselves at his feet and all their clothes fall off, he ignores them and sacrifices himself to save fresh produce as we know it.

(Fabian is still alive)

Gabriel – in the style of Adventure Time.

Gabriel the Human climbed a vast mountain made of staples and eyeballs, he is feeling a bit weary as he was up late playing “Battle Fight” with his friend and housemate Louie the Cat. Grade one had also really tired him out – it had been one long year of fighting lolly based creatures, excelling at maths and extolling an astounding numbers of non-sequitors. Gabe’s reading had come on leaps and bounds though and between reading ancient demonic texts and The Treehouse books he was becoming an avid reader. “Hapkido Way”, he screamed as he was attacked by penguins – that yellow 2 belt was coming handy, he could take down arctic animal life as easily as he could take down animated evil trees! Then Louie farted.

(For those of you that have seen Adventure Time, you will marvel at my semi ability to capture the nonsensical nature, to those that haven’t seen it, you’ll be mystified, as I generally am). 

Bridgette – in the style of Serial.

All in all everything Bridgette had done through the year was pointing to one thing. Or was it? When you weighed the facts and re-read the signs were things as clear we had previously thought? There were so many rumours to begin with, rumours to be believed – successful theatre shows and writing projects and rumours to be discounted – affairs with Prince Harry and double jointedness. But which rumours do you pay attention to? Did Bridgette dye her hair red as asserted by her hair dresser, Jasmine? Can we even believe Jasmine, after all – she also said that she made the phone call dated 2/8/14, but her phone was nowhere near that mobile tower at the time. One thing is for certain, nothing is as clear as when the year started and nothing will be resolved by the end of it. Next time on Serial: 2015.

(If you haven’t listened to Serial, then you should. Get with the program). 

Merry Christmas. Don’t take things too seriously.

Bridgette, Fabian and Gabriel.  

Ps, people dress an astounding variety of animals in Xmas costumes.